Topless beaches, nightlife, unique cuisine, Buddhist culture; Thailand is the most popular tourist destination in S.E. Asia. I’d been here before, the first time in 1996.

But I’m not a total fan. IMHO Thailand is over-touristed, over-rated, and relatively expensive. (too many “suitcase” tourists)

Thailand is “the beaten track“, enduring millions of demanding “farang” for too many decades. Thai people working in tourism appear to be fed-up with us.

Another part of the problem is Bangkok. Sprawling, polluted, congested, this city boasts that it has consumed more concrete over the past 10 years than any other in the world.

Most everyone gets stuck in Bangkok for longer than they want — waiting for a visa, organizing forward travel, or … recovering from illness.

Most stay on Khao San Road. All day and all night vans and buses deliver swarms of backpackers to this tourist ghetto. Western restaurants blare rock music or offer current release (pirated) movies so customers can laze away the hours.

Bangkok is westernized — 7-11, Baskin-Robbins, Dunkin’ Donut. All this familiar comfort is seductive. Travellers get lethargic. I met many who had been on Khao San for a week and not yet visited the Grand Palace, Wat Pho, or the National Museum — all within 15 minutes walk.

You KNOW Rick McCharles would never get sucked into Khao San sloth.

He’s the kind who denounces McDonalds, that most conspicuous of all western imperialist icons. (This trip I hit on a more devious strategy than boycott. I patronized McDonalds, fouling their spotless washrooms, soaking up the air con, but purchased only “loss leaders“, the ice cream cones. I hoped I might drive rotten Ronnie out of Asia through insolvency.)

So why, you might ask, did you find Rick drinking Gatorade, scarfing Pizza Hut pizza, and watching “Jurassic Park, The Lost World” in his room on HBO TV?

When I came to Bangkok I had been sick for 3 weeks. I relaxed for a couple of days, seemingly recovered. I was well, but fatigued. I needed R & R so I headed for the beach.

Ko Tao (Turtle Island) is a newish Thai sandy paradise. I was there a few years ago and I liked it — no paved roads, no electricity, quiet beaches, one small beach techno bar (“The Drop Zone“).

The tiny island has developed rapidly. Now there is one paved (5 km) road, much construction, and far too many motor scooters and electrical generators.

I retreated to the remote “CFT Resort” (assortment of huts) hidden in the jungle on a rocky cliff.

Just to prove my stereotype wrong, the Thai manager Pat was friendly and enthusiastic.

Two minutes after I arrived she threw me the keys to her motorcycle … (so I could retrieve my pack stashed back at a restaurant. I only used the bike ONCE) … “Careful. The brakes don’t work very well.”

I rested here for 6 days reading Michener on the porch of my cliff shack, snorkelling, admiring sunsets from the Bluewind restaurant.

I do like Thai food. In fact the “glop” I make at home is a variation of “Pad Thai“, a woked rice noodle dish.

Great fruit! Especially rambutan and mangosteen. Green coconut curry on rice with fresh seafood. Coconut soup is similarly tasty. A late night treat is “rotee“, a folded crepe with banana, raisins, or whatever your sweet tooth desires. Pour sweetened condensed milk on top.

Walking beside the beach one night I spied a thick rope on the path. I paused to watch it slither away. This was the biggest snake I’d seen in the wild, over 2 m long.

I ran to the nearest restaurant to alert a waiter. He just laughed.

Later at CFT one of the tourists ran up the hill yelling. “Snake!” Pat wasn’t sure whether the 80 cm viper! was dangerous or not. “Better leave it alone.”

We all had “monsters” (big lizards) in our huts at various times. We sleep with the door open to wind and surf. One night I had an insect infestation on my walls. By morning they were gone without a trace.

Bugs are usually no problem. We keep our mosquito nets carefully sealed. And you get accustomed to the chainsaw-like Cicadas.

There are many unbelievable insects in Asia. The Praying Mantis is my favourite.

Street vendors serve up some of the big ones; deep-fried scorpions, beetles, grubs, and locusts. Free samples for foreigners.

I love the cheetah-like street cats, especially the Siamese. Lean, angular, wild. In most of Asia cats are bad luck or worse. But Buddhist countries are more feline tolerant.

(Hey, Toms got balls!)

Ko Tao was just what the doctor ordered — often cool, windy and overcast — anticipating the coming monsoon. Eventually, though, I grew restless and moved on to Krabi, the favourite Thai destination for many.

Railly beach at Krabi, I must say, is the prettiest I’ve seen — a sweeping white crescent with striking limestone cliffs. This is a fully developed resort. It couldn’t be more touristy. Yet I liked it because it is isolated, accessible only by boat. There is luxury accommodation aplenty, but I found a unique “tree house” for C$3.50 / night.

Krabi has emerged as a world-class rock climbing site. Bring your own gear, tent on the beach, and a wealth of cave and cliff climbing is yours. Ocean kayaking is big too.

The Leonardo of our age had been filming “The Beach” at nearby Phi Phi island. Based on the badly written, wildly popular cult book of the same name, it’s a backpacker “Lord of the Flies“. Many here are anxiously awaiting release, hoping to see themselves painted-up, dancing in the Full Moon Beach Party scene.

(I shudder to envision the Thai islands over the next few years as Leo’s fans in the hundreds of thousands make pilgrimage to Ko Phi Phi.)

Then it was back to Bangkok where I was admitted (for a few hours) to the highly regarded “Mission” hospital. The diarrhoea, which I thought was cured, was back. The doctor thought it might just be a “blip“. She prescribed charcoal pills of which I had never heard saying, “You’ve had enough antibiotics.”

Loafing Khao San Road again. I didn’t want to depart until I was sure I was healthy.

Thence, Pizza Hut, Gatorade and Lost World!

Come to think of it, wasn’t I the one who said, “Give me convenience or give me death!” (Or was it the Dead Kennedys?)

I wasn’t a complete slug. But I had previously visited all of the main tourist attractions of Bangkok and even developed a like-hate relationship with the megalopolis.

Then I heard of a new bizarre attraction — theMuseum of Forensic Medicine. It was a bit queasy-making. Samples of skin with knife and bullet wounds. Hundreds of morgue photos; high voltage burns, train crash victims. Two murderers preserved in wax and resin! Yuck.

Last time visiting this shopping town I investigated the ultra-modern World Trade Centre (a predictable duty-free shopping mall) where cleaners scuttle about wearing jackets labelled “Anti-dirt“.

More interesting was the urban slum out back. The poor live a traditional village lifestyle in the midst of city glitz. Each family finds a niche; the kitchen expands to restaurant specializing in fried fish, popcorn, or coconut sticky rice. On family sets up a barber chair. Another repairs electrical goods. Another sells socks.

It seemed a restful, if limited, existence. People sleep when tired. Dogs, cats, and chickens take care of most of the garbage. Even here there is no smell of urine.

Patpong, the famous red light district, was busier than ever. It’s becoming more of a tourist attraction than brothel. There are many female visitors and I’ve even seen entire families with cameras there. And it’s probably the best street shopping night market in town.

The sex shows are novelty acts involving a lot of pingpong balls, bananas, darts, and razor blades. It’s no kind of serious red light district like Hamburg, for example. (Imagine a whorehouse of Germanic efficiency; behind tall barriers, an entire apartment building, every window red lit!)

Thailand’s reputation for prostitution grew out of the Vietnam war when GIs were sent there for R & R. Actually there are now more sex workers / capita in Manilla and Taipei than Bangkok. The serious sin tourists are moving on, perhaps to Eastern Europe and Russia.

Very common in Thailand, though, is to see a tall Western man with his petite (bored?) Asian “girlfriend“. They miscommunicate in incomprehensible broken English. I always assume these women are “package” prostitutes. In Germany you can book your Thai vacation (3 weeks with escort) calculated down to the last pfenning.

This trip I met a number of these couples. Actually, all were married or in long-term relationships.

Prostitution is common in Asian cultures though. In India I never once in 6 months saw a “working girl” while in Chinese cities I saw them every day.

I was wandering Lhasa at dusk when I saw hundreds of pretty, young, made-up women walking in the opposite direction. I turned around.

The Chinese have recently built a massive Casino complex in Tibet to help justify their more massive investment in that barren plateau. These ladies were on their way to work.

Arriving in south China I was astonished at the number of barbershops, sometimes entire streets of them. Twice I ended up in one of these tiny brothels, a couple of beds separated only by curtains. We chatted with the ladies (through a translator) and had drinks.

I didn’t stay for a styling.

PS

I’m next to the mountains of Northern Laos. It’s getting a little hot and wet in Thailand. I need to gain altitude and latitude.

Everyone is raving about Laos — “a backpacker’s paradise“.

I’ll let you know.