Quaint Christchurch is a very nice city. I expected Vancouver-like rain but this is one of the driest areas in NZ protected from moisture-laden Westerlies by the Southern Alps. Five metres of rain / year fall on the West coast; only .75 metres in Christchurch on the East coast.

Christchurch reminds me of Calgary when I see the snowy Alps in the distance as I cycle to the gym along the river, passing horses and large numbers of aquatic birds.

With a population 330,000 Christchurch is a relaxed place. Traffic is light. It is known as the most English of NZ cities; punts on the Avon river; Anglican Christ Church cathedral in the city square; Elizabethan-style riverside homes; massive Botanical Gardens. (Brits established these amazing parks all over the Empire.)

This is a city of single family dwellings. I have yet to see an apartment block. Many of the shops are converted homes. Kiwis are suspicious of big box stores (no doubt a losing battle). All the local Daries (convenience stores) are independently owned — 7-11 has not come to Christchurch.

Christchurch has fantastic bus service, the central bus depot better than most airports. Bus drivers are often called by their first name by passengers.

Christchurch is a popular tourist town. There is a good Museum and a unique International Antarctic Centre used to warehouse NZ, US and Italian Antarctic supplies. Christchurch is a centre of the Arts and audiences turn out en masse for just about any kind of entertainment.

There are good city walks in the Botanical gardens, along the river and even better on the hills of the nearby Banks Peninsula, a volcanic area. A visit to the French harbour town of Akaroa on the peninsula is the most popular day trip from Christchurch.

Christchurch is very white, very British. It feels more like England than Australia. All school children wear uniforms.

The largest minority is Maori though Asians are more visible. In my gym club we only about 10 Maori and Pacific Islanders out of 800+. We have many more Asians. NZ is tremendously popular with Asian tourists and students too.

New Zealanders pride themselves on being tolerant non-racists. I find them more racist than Canadians — though Canada is by far the least racist country I know, another reason for Canuck pride.

Crusaders Rugby

Rugby fans in Christchurch are known as one-eyed for their inability to see any other franchise than their own beloved Crusaders. The Crusaders finals win over the Canbera Brumbies in the Super 12 resulted in civic madness. Undefeated this season, the Crusaders shattered league records. When you speak to a Kiwi, make sure you don’t make the faux pas of confusing Rugby with Rugby League. (Wouldn’t your face be red!)

15 Crusaders were named to the All Blacks, the revered Kiwi National Team; to the Rugby World Cup. The Black Ferns (women’s Rugby) recently took the female World Cup in Barcellona. By the way, the National basketball team is called the Tall Blacks. I reckon we should call the NZ National Gymnastics team the Small Blacks.

ANZAC Day is equivalent to Remembrance Day. New Zealand military might is equal to Canada except that Kiwi peace keepers do a fierce Maori war dance which frightens away enemies without wasting ammunition.

Am I learning anything in New Zealand? Not a wee bit! Heaps I reckon.

Language barrier

I understand Kiwi english only haltingly. Kiwis flatten vowels, confusing me no end. They pronounce “Rec” (as in Recreation) as “Rick”. Every time someone mentions “Rec” at the club, I think they have called me. Kiwis call greasies, their national cusine, “Fush and Chups” (fish and chips).

Guide to NZ English:

buggered (means exhausted)
fanny (means female genitalia)
jumper (means woolen sweater)
tea (means tea)
tea (means dinner)
shagger Clinton (means Bill Clinton)
bach or crib (means a family cabin)
boozer (means bar)
metalled road (means gravel road)
flog or nick (means steal)
tramp (means hike)
judder bar or raised threshold (means speed bump)
wopwop (means remote)
lolly (means candy or any sweet)
drink driving (means drunk driving)
Mexican wave (means The Wave in a sport stadium)
My Roots clothing is a bit risque as to root means to shag.

I often wrongly use Australian or British slang further confusing communication. New Zealanders abreviate many words (Steinie for Steinlager) but not nearly as many as Australians.

I am a Pakeha (Maori for non-Maori).

New Zealand is a bilingual country — English and Maori. It is helpful to learn a few Maori words as many of the place names are in Maori including Taumatawhakat … ngihangakoauauotamate … turipukakapikimaungahor … nukupokaiwhenaukitanatahu (longest place name in the world?).

For example, Urewera is named for the words burnt (wera) genitals (ure). Kaitangata is named for eat (kai) people (tangata). Knowing some Maori is helpful, you see.

Food

Not long ago you could not find perked coffee in New Zealand. Even today instant coffee is standard fare everywhere.

Lest you be dissuaded to visit, know that Starbucks is down under. In fact at the world famous (locally considered boring) Cathedral Square, the hub of tourist Christchurch, you can buy an exotic bagel and drink Starbucks. Overpriced gourmet coffee is everywhere in fact.