The Onion | Millions Of Americans Buying Floyd Landis-Inspired Bracelets
via WikedOutdoorsy
Category: humour
bad analogy, bad metaphor
Forwarded by Kate who knows the difference. She is is to writing good what Paris Hilton is to bad publicity.
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are someof last year’s winners …
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
missed Burning Man … again
In 2005 I planned ahead to finally get to the world’s craziest festival.
But … maybe it’s too late to ride a bicycle nude as performance art. Everyone’s already done it.
My travel logistics to the middle of the desert were too challenging. And attending this anti-commercial spectacle is really expensive. I did not go.
But here are a few photos of 2006 for the armchair travellers like myself.
Viral Video Chart
Handy site.
The world’s most talked about videos…currently tracking YouTube, MySpace and Google Video.
via MicroPersuasion
John Hodgman – comedian – net neutrality
Everything this guy does breaks me up.
And Hodgman is everywhere right now.
He is the Bill-Gates-like PC in the hilarious Apple computer Get-a-Mac ads.
His bits on the Daily Show are classic. Here’s one where Hodgman explains Net Neutrality. Click PLAY or watch it on YouTube.
onion.com “Radio News” – funny
These days I rarely bother logging in to Onion.com, the wonderful news parody site. Instead I get a chuckle every day when my computer automatically downloads their podcast called “Onion Radio News“.
This was a good one:
Donut Shop’s Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious
FREEHOLD, NJ—Patrons at Dotty’s Donuts on Cranston Avenue agree that the mission statement posted near the shop’s entrance seems overly ambitious.
“It said, ‘At Dotty’s, our goal is to reinvent the morning,'” Dotty’s patron Ken Mentilli said. “‘Dotty’s Donuts are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face and a ray of light into your soul.’ That seems like a tall order for a donut shop.”
Mentilli added that Dotty’s may not be able to deliver on its promise to “change the world, one fresh-baked bear claw at a time.”
video – diving bloopers
Summer is over. This is already nostalgia for me.
Those who can’t do, teach.
After a long gymnastics camp, we coaches recreated at the swimming pool, mistiming every dive we could dream up.
Click PLAY on the video below or watch the clip on YouTube.com
Funtastics Gymnastics in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho.
movie – The Party
We got talking about Peter Sellers recently. His greatest movie was Being There, no question.
But I would rather re-watch The Party, where Sellers is a bad actor from India who literally crashes a big Hollywood party.
getting rid of your old fridge
After buying a new refrigerator, a fellow had to get rid of his old (working) fridge. He put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
“Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
“Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it.
Thanks Dana
video – death’s date with an animal lover
It’s funny because it’s true.
Videos by vMix Member:Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment
New season of Family Guy starts tonight!
Rick McCharles 